womanhood

She Intimidates Me…

It was probably the fourth time in the last year that I’ve heard the phrase—by four different women. Man, what did I do to deserve this? Of course, we could laugh it off now, but as she told me how much I use to intimidate her, I’ll admit, I felt a bit of offense. Me? Intimidating?
 
There’s always that chance to ask her why. Why did she think I was so intimidating? Why did she feel she couldn’t approach me and stood back in a distance silently judging me? Now, she’s loving all of this girl right here but, not always.

You just seem like you have it all together. 
 
You’re so confident.
 
You know who you are in Christ, and that’s intimidating for a woman like me.
 
I’ve heard it all. I get it often…
Confidence isn’t something that is easily understood. On one hand you’re a leader, someone people respect and look up to. Someone that people can count on. On the other hand, you’re judged…called obscene words that normally start with a giant “B”, and you’re inapproachable.
There’s a fine line between confidence, arrogance, and insecurity.
But, if we’re being honest, I don’t have it all together…at all.
If we’re being honest, this girl you think I am, she intimidates me too.
I’m messy.
I have 100 things that have to get done and I often find that I choose the things that bring me joy or feelings of accomplishments first.
I hate my body—my chin, my arms, my mom stomach, my jiggles everywhere.
I typed in “mom” stomach to make myself feel better, realizing that it’s just an excuse I use.
I’m insecure. I’m terrified people won’t like me when I meet them. First impressions are everything, right?
I care a little too much about what people think about me, and I’m one of the  biggest introverts that you’ll ever meet, and yet, I won’t seem much like one.
I can be mean, but I can be the kindest person you’ll ever meet.
I can be selfish, immature, and rude.
But I can be loving, a saving grace, and eloquent.
I can be bad ass but I’m scared to death.
And I miss the girl I use to be. But, that girl has come a long way in life. A long, long way.
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A man once told me, when I was young and naive, that I wasn’t like “all the other girls”. That I was cool. That I was like “one of the guys”. I smirked because, back then, it seemed rare. But the reality is that I was exactly like every other girl.
I was imperfect.
There’s nothing quite like embracing imperfection.
There’s nothing quite like owning it.
There’s nothing quite as satisfying as knowing absolutely nothing about anything and yet determined to know anything about everything.
And this is her…this is me…
I’m confident because I’ve been less than confident.
I’m confident because I’ve been walked all over, taken advantage of, and whispered sweet nothings to with nothing but heartache in return.
I’m confident because I know what I want in life, who I want in life, and how I want life to be. Because I’ve had the rest…the other…the settled for.
I’m confident because not a single person in this world is going to be able to tell you all the things you need to hear that you are…not until you believe them yourself. 
I’m confident because I’m insecure. I’m shaking on the inside but I can’t dare let it show on the outside because, well, I know how that turns out…and it goes absolutely no where.
I’m confident…but I am exactly like every other woman out there….
I’m vulnerable, insecure, contagiously zealous, unknowingly jealous, comparative, and sassy.
But I am kind, I am quiet, and I am undoubtedly in love with the only Being in the entire universe who knows the depths of my heart, the good and the ugly, and what my confidence really is—Jesus.
If not for Him, and knowing my worth within His hands of warmth and love, I’d wear my insecurities on my sleeve, and my heart would certainly be one of stone.
This woman you think I am…she scares me. This is so true.
The woman I actually am…she wants to love you, laugh with you, be goofy with you.
She wants the fun and chaos, but she wants the depth of meaningful conversations.
She hates small talk and no, it doesn’t mean she knows more than you, it simply means she feels deeply, thinks widely, and her horizons are limitless.
This woman, she is confident. But never, ever, forget that she is exactly like you.
She’s just a woman trying to make it in a sea of people, with little hands that tug on her shirt, dirt under her fingernails, and the world, literally, at her fingertips.
She intimidates me…she intimidates you…and it’s only because we wish we were exactly like her…the thought of her.
The reality, however, is that we are exactly her…at exactly the right time…in exactly the right space. And the rest of the time, when we’re a mess of runny mascara, broken hearts, lost battles, and spilled sippy cup chaos…in the middle of imperfection? Well, that’s where my sweet Jesus takes the front seat, and whispers softly, “you are the daughter of a King…”
Embrace it, sweet girl. And next time, when you see her—that friend, that co-worker, that blogger—don’t judge her….smile at her. Because after the confidence, she’s a puddle of mush just waiting for the next saving grace to scoop her up and love her to pieces. She’s waiting for the reminder that she’s just like everyone else…she’s exactly like you…

{Semi} Wordless Wednesday — Not Everyone Has to Like You

The moment you realize that not everyone has to like you, and that it’s OK, is the moment you truly begin living.
We’re all different. We all like different things. We all have different personalities and interests. And guess what, that means we’ll all have different people in our lives.
We don’t have to be friends with everyone, and that’s OK.
We don’t have to be “liked” by everyone, because quite honestly, not everyone is my cup of tea either. I get it.
Stop beating yourself up about it if you feel like you’ve just tried your hardest to get along with people and you don’t fit into their clique.
Stop worrying yourself with the fact that not everyone wants to be your friend or “hang out with you”.
I’m sorry, I’m an awful friend…I don’t hang out with anyone!! But I still love you guys!
And most of all, stop feeling guilty just because someone doesn’t fit with your personality.
Because not everyone you meet has to be your friend.
And not everyone that meets you has to make you their friend.
That’s the beauty of life.
And when you realize this, you start living a real and amazing life — one full of people and things that make you happy….one full of less time worrying and fretting, and more time living….
You truly live….my goodness, do you live….

Ladies Only! | The Diva Cup {Review}

UPDATED 7/7/14: I LOVEEEE my Diva Cup!! I could not function monthly without this thing. I have not had to purchase any other “monthly” items since ordering the Diva Cup. Highly recommend!!

First of all, if you’re a fella, I suggest you stop reading this blog post right now.

No, seriously, right now.

Now.

If you’re a lady who would prefer not to read about your monthly visit from Aunt Flo, then I also suggest you stop reading.

However, if you’re interested, like me, in all things “women” and how to make my “time of the month” easier, then this post is for you!

Read the Post

Dear Mama Who’s Struggling to Conceive;

I understand. I’ve been there. I’m there right now.

I understand the guilt you feel. Like there’s something wrong with you. Why can’t you conceive a little one as quickly as others? After all, it seems like everyone around you is pregnant or getting pregnant. But then you remind yourself that the only reason that seems to be is because you, yourself, are trying so hard to conceive.

Dear Mama who’s struggling to conceive. I understand. But I also understand grace, mercy, love and compassion. God is so quick to show us these things, so please be quick to show them to yourself. Be easy on yourself, mama. It’s easy to get caught up in depression, exasperation and sadness when you can’t control the situation that you’re in. It’s easy to forget who the maker of all things is. It’s easy to forget who’s hands control the universe. And yet, somehow, it is so easy to doubt Him and ask Him, why?
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The worst part about conceiving, and not knowingly having anything wrong with you, is the waiting game. Just this morning I took a pregnancy test. The first one in several months. I waited until I was a week late — I wasn’t going to cave too soon. You see, on top of the waiting game, I never show a “positive” on a pregnancy test until past the 6 week mark anyway. But I thought, this morning might be different. I always think that.

But ugly guilt reared its head again this morning. The doubt and frustration came, on top of all of my other chores and issues that I was dealing with. Not only was I already having a bad morning, but I decided to take a pregnancy test, a negative pregnancy test, on top of it all. Just five minutes before, I would have bet my last dollar that I was pregnant. And as I threw my test into the trash can, I wondered what my husband would think if he knew I took a test. If he would think I’m a failure. If he would think I was silly for taking a test, because you know….it hasn’t been positive for the past 12 months…why should it be any different now? Then the words start swirling around in your head….and here comes the anger again.

Dear mama; I know how you feel. I know that it’s hard — harder than anyone can imagine. And I know that nothing anyone says can make you feel  better. But please, please don’t forget just how special and needed you are. Whether you’re trying for your second (like me) or trying for your 10th, the struggle is the same for each of us who are having a hard time on this journey, no matter what our case may be. We think the same thoughts, do the same things. But just remember this, not even a sparrow falls to the ground without the Lord knowing. So don’t be afraid, for you are worth far more than many sparrows (Matt 10:29-31).

He knows your pain….

He knows your hurt and He knows your frustration. And while we don’t always understand why things happen the way they do, it’s still going to be ok. It’s ok to be frustrated, it’s ok to be upset….it’s completely understandable. But it’s not ok to place blame. It’s not ok to feel guilty. It’s not ok to get depressed. And it’s not ok to allow your emotions to be taken out on the other people in your home.

Mama, you. are. beautiful. And whether you conceive this time, next time, or never at all; God’s plan for your life far exceeds the plans that you have for yourself. God’s word does not promise us everything we want, but it does promise us everything we need. He never said our journey would be easy, but He did promise that He would be there holding onto our hand the entire way. And just when we think we’ve let go of Him, He whispers, “…but I’ve never let go of you.”

So, cry your cries today, mama. Take time for yourself. Pray. Lean on Jesus. Sob, weep, mourn. But then pick yourself back up, and allow Christ to be your strength. You have a family who needs you more than they need a sweet little miracle baby right now. You have a child who wants the best of you now, not later. You have friends who need your love and compassion in this time…in this moment, in their own struggles and tears. And you have a husband who adores you, no matter how much of a failure you think you might be.

And then, at the end of the day, if nothing else happens, let go. Lean not on your own understanding, because while we are so busy trying to make another precious little life, we forget that God is still trying to mold us and make something amazingly beautiful out of us. And if in the end we’re blessed with another precious child, we will certainly be quick to praise Him through it all. And most likely, we’ll come out of this as much better mama’s. We don’t have to understand. We don’t have to know why. And we don’t have to give up — please, don’t give up. All we have to do is trust that no matter what the outcome, God will be glorified.

Dear mama; tomorrow is a new day and a new chance. And while you’re waiting for God to open the door to the next journey in your life, praise Him in the hallway.

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