I understand. I’ve been there. I’m there right now.
I understand the guilt you feel. Like there’s something wrong with you. Why can’t you conceive a little one as quickly as others? After all, it seems like everyone around you is pregnant or getting pregnant. But then you remind yourself that the only reason that seems to be is because you, yourself, are trying so hard to conceive.
Dear Mama who’s struggling to conceive. I understand. But I also understand grace, mercy, love and compassion. God is so quick to show us these things, so please be quick to show them to yourself. Be easy on yourself, mama. It’s easy to get caught up in depression, exasperation and sadness when you can’t control the situation that you’re in. It’s easy to forget who the maker of all things is. It’s easy to forget who’s hands control the universe. And yet, somehow, it is so easy to doubt Him and ask Him, why?
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The worst part about conceiving, and not knowingly having anything wrong with you, is the waiting game. Just this morning I took a pregnancy test. The first one in several months. I waited until I was a week late — I wasn’t going to cave too soon. You see, on top of the waiting game, I never show a “positive” on a pregnancy test until past the 6 week mark anyway. But I thought, this morning might be different. I always think that.
But ugly guilt reared its head again this morning. The doubt and frustration came, on top of all of my other chores and issues that I was dealing with. Not only was I already having a bad morning, but I decided to take a pregnancy test, a negative pregnancy test, on top of it all. Just five minutes before, I would have bet my last dollar that I was pregnant. And as I threw my test into the trash can, I wondered what my husband would think if he knew I took a test. If he would think I’m a failure. If he would think I was silly for taking a test, because you know….it hasn’t been positive for the past 12 months…why should it be any different now? Then the words start swirling around in your head….and here comes the anger again.
Dear mama; I know how you feel. I know that it’s hard — harder than anyone can imagine. And I know that nothing anyone says can make you feel better. But please, please don’t forget just how special and needed you are. Whether you’re trying for your second (like me) or trying for your 10th, the struggle is the same for each of us who are having a hard time on this journey, no matter what our case may be. We think the same thoughts, do the same things. But just remember this, not even a sparrow falls to the ground without the Lord knowing. So don’t be afraid, for you are worth far more than many sparrows (Matt 10:29-31).
He knows your pain….
He knows your hurt and He knows your frustration. And while we don’t always understand why things happen the way they do, it’s still going to be ok. It’s ok to be frustrated, it’s ok to be upset….it’s completely understandable. But it’s not ok to place blame. It’s not ok to feel guilty. It’s not ok to get depressed. And it’s not ok to allow your emotions to be taken out on the other people in your home.
Mama, you. are. beautiful. And whether you conceive this time, next time, or never at all; God’s plan for your life far exceeds the plans that you have for yourself. God’s word does not promise us everything we want, but it does promise us everything we need. He never said our journey would be easy, but He did promise that He would be there holding onto our hand the entire way. And just when we think we’ve let go of Him, He whispers, “…but I’ve never let go of you.”
So, cry your cries today, mama. Take time for yourself. Pray. Lean on Jesus. Sob, weep, mourn. But then pick yourself back up, and allow Christ to be your strength. You have a family who needs you more than they need a sweet little miracle baby right now. You have a child who wants the best of you now, not later. You have friends who need your love and compassion in this time…in this moment, in their own struggles and tears. And you have a husband who adores you, no matter how much of a failure you think you might be.
And then, at the end of the day, if nothing else happens, let go. Lean not on your own understanding, because while we are so busy trying to make another precious little life, we forget that God is still trying to mold us and make something amazingly beautiful out of us. And if in the end we’re blessed with another precious child, we will certainly be quick to praise Him through it all. And most likely, we’ll come out of this as much better mama’s. We don’t have to understand. We don’t have to know why. And we don’t have to give up — please, don’t give up. All we have to do is trust that no matter what the outcome, God will be glorified.
Dear mama; tomorrow is a new day and a new chance. And while you’re waiting for God to open the door to the next journey in your life, praise Him in the hallway.