The Freedom in Giving Up

It’s those words you never want to say — you’re too ashamed to say them, as if they are words you should never utter. You think it — you scream it in your head when you walk into the living room and your toddler has flour from one couch to the other. You utter it under your breath when your husband comes home from work and asks you what you’ve done all day. You cry it to sleep at night when your body won’t let you go to sleep because you’re thinking about all of the things you should have gotten done, but instead they are waiting there for you as soon as you wake up in the morning. And you think of the billion other things you have to do, should do, could have done. You think of the things you want to do, but don’t have time for. Or the things you didn’t do, because you chose to do the things you love.

It is a never ending battle in the mind of a mom who stays home to tend to her household, family, children….

It is the never ending battle in the mind of a mom who works all day and has to come home to tend to her family in the evenings….

It is the never ending battle in the mind of the young wife trying to conceive her first child, who blames herself and her body for the miscarriages and the heartache….

It is the never ending battle in the mind of the seasoned wife trying for their fourth child, or buying a home, or keeping up with the one she currently has…

It is the never ending battle in the mind of the store clerk trying to make ends meet….

….and the banker.

….and the teacher.

….and the grandmother.

…those three little words that change you…

And suddenly you’re in this desolate place — in your head you think the worst. You know what you meant, but if anyone, in that moment in time, heard you say it…they’d think you were insane. They’d say you’re weak, and that you should suck it up and be happy for what you’ve been blessed with. They’d tell you you’re being over dramatic and you should just get over it. At least, that’s what you think.

But guess what, you’re not alone.

Guess what else, it’s ok to say “I give up” in most situations.

For my entire life I was taught to never give up — keep fighting for what you want. Keep fighting for it, never give up. But good grief, sometimes the fight just isn’t worth it. Sometimes I just don’t have the energy to do this anymore…it’s not making a difference anyhow. Sometimes I just can’t go on, otherwise I’d lose my ever-loving mind.

Sometimes, there is freedom in giving up….

…because brokenness is beautiful, when grace sings the melody.

So often we hear “fight for it” and “don’t give up”. But did it ever occur to you that sometimes, it’s not your battle to fight? Did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe, it’s not a battle you should have ever shown up to anyhow? Did it ever occur to you that maybe it’s not your burden to carry?

We’ve been trying for baby number two for almost two years now. I went through stages. The first stage was being excited. I’d been begging husband for over 2 years to start trying, because I knew my body would only get worse with time. The second stage was disappointment. When we didn’t get pregnant right away, all of my plans went melting away. The third stage, I was a blubbering mess. I was bitter and angry when my body would fail. Why were all of these women pregnant who didn’t want to be? Why were all of these women who had babies and didn’t care for them properly, mothers? The fourth stage was not thinking about it. If I don’t think about it, it might happen. And if it doesn’t happen, that’s ok. And then the final stage came. It came just a couple of weeks ago. And I call it the, “I give up” stage.

I give up on my body.

I give up on my blubbering mess.

I give up on my housework.

I give up on my decision to be the best mom ever.

I give up on having the perfect house.

I give up on having another child in the house to enjoy the holidays with — for a sibling for my son.

I give up on making everyone happy.

I give up on trying to do homeschool everyday like all the other “super moms”.

I give up on trying to work two part time jobs, homeschool, take care of a husband and house, and not to mention myself.

I give up on the flour from one couch to the other.

I give up on the marker on the wall, the gingerbread icing all over the kitchen floor, and the fact that I ran out of peanut butter and it’s the end of the world.

I give up on trying to be perfect.

I give up on the idea that I have to be something I’m not.

I give up on trying to be what everyone else wants me to be.

I give up on that sticky junk on the floor that won’t come up, even when I’m scrubbing on my hands and knee’s.

I give up on trying to eat healthier and be healthier and live healthier.
I give up on myself.
I give up on homesteading.

I give up on everything…everything.

Because I give it all up, I let it all go, I surrender it all, I lay it all down….at the feet of Jesus.

There’s a song that rang true to my heart this morning, we sing it at church. And I’ve always sang the song, but really never connected to it. Not until now. And it says….

Listen — we all have bad days. We all have bad weeks. We all have bad situations that we can’t pull ourselves out of.

Give up. Give it all up. And don’t feel sorry about it. Don’t feel ashamed because of it.

…because the sad reality is that we should do a lot more giving up, than trying to do everything ourselves.

…because the truth is, half of our hurts, pains, frustrations, annoyances, and heartaches were never ours to deal with on our own….ever.

“…and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” John 14:15-18 NIV