I had an entire blog written out in my head yesterday morning. My mind and my heart had been overwhelmed for far too long when it came to certain people and situations. My husband asked me a question about a situation in my life, and my answer surprised me. I responded….
“No, I don’t have the patience to deal with it or her anymore. It’s too overwhelming. And to be honest, patience is just too tiring. The older I get, the less patience I have. I’ve been extremely patient my entire life. And *enter expletive here*, I’m tired of being tired from forcing myself to be patient with people.”
My mother always commended me for being one of the most patient people she knew. As did my grandmother, and all kinds of other people. But it’s hard….
You see, it’s easier to give up. It’s easier to wave that flag in the air and say “screw it”. Even for those of us who have been patient our entire lives. Even a patient person has their limits. And apparently I finally reached mine after 27 years.
I’ve lost my patience with people in my life, don’t get me wrong. I’ve had my moments just like everyone else. But I’m talking about those real life hard situations. The situations you can’t change but you know you still have to show grace and patience through it. Those people who annoy the crap out of you. That paycheck that is two weeks late. That family member who “just can’t get it through their head”. That thing someone said about you that totally wasn’t true, but everyone believed them, even some people who you thought knew you better. That friend you just don’t know how to say “our paths aren’t the same anymore” to. The house that never stays clean. That thing your kid does that you pray so hard they will understand why they shouldn’t do it, but it never seems to happen.
These people who have no issue telling you their opinion on everything but act like it’s the end of the world when you speak your mind….and then block you on facebook….
That was my final straw yesterday. It wasn’t even the fact that I had been blocked from seeing their “friend posts” and had been put on “restricted profile view”. It was the fact of who it was, and not knowing why it was done. I’d been nothing but nice to this person. And I assume the restriction came from answering public homesteading and farming questions from public posts on facebook. But even then, really? It’s not like we’re debating politics or religion here. I mean, what’s the point of being “friends” with someone on facebook if you put them on restricted profile view? Just have the guts and hit the un-friend button instead of being conniving about it…and then I hit the “un-friend” button.
You’ve got to be kidding me. My head fell into my hands because I just couldn’t wrap my mind around the madness.
This is what our lives have boiled down to. A “friend” and an “un-friend” button….and just like that, you’re done.
Life was never intended to be so dramatic. Life was never intended to have “social media” or “cell phones” or “birthday reminders” or “selfies”. I’ve stepped away from facebook for this very reason — only posting for business, not really scrolling through my news-feed unless asked to find something specific. It has been liberating, and then this…
I demanded an explanation in my own mind. I felt entitled to one.
Why in the heck am I so freaked out and angry about this!?
I realized something….something I’ve shared with a dear friend of mine over the past year. It was time to take a dose of my own medicine, once again.
This situation got out of control because of the overwhelming things I’ve been dealing with emotionally over the past 6 months. It honestly had nothing to do with the facebook friendship. But everything to do with my own heart….
It could have been anyone. I bet at least 25 or more people have me on a restricted profile view on facebook. Who cares?! I typically don’t care, in fact, I use that “restricted profile view” button often myself. But it just so happened I came across this one, this one day — the day when I was dealing with all kinds of other stupid things — at this one moment…..and the flood gates opened.
I haven’t been guarding my heart very well recently. So it shouldn’t have surprised me that this happened. It just surprised me that it happened when it did. But I realized something even deeper….
All those things that had been wearing on my heart…..all of those things people had done or hadn’t done….all of those things didn’t matter.
What mattered is that I had never cupped them up in my hands and handed them over to the King of Kings.
I never dropped them at His feet and said “here, I can’t carry this anymore”.
I allowed bitterness to set into my heart, and into my bones, and into my mind….
…because guess what, I can’t carry the weight of what this world offers me.
None of us can, and if we truly believe that we can, we are only lying to ourselves.
I cannot imagine a world without Jesus. Because if I can be honest for just one second, I would have lost my mind a long long time ago.
These annoyances….these things that had been overwhelming my heart….
….they don’t seem as “big” anymore.
In fact, I sit here writing this, and I laugh at myself. Wow, how silly you are for feeling that way.
But it’s not silly. We all have feelings and emotions that get tangled up inside and many times, they have nothing to do with the root of the issue. The worst part is that we end up taking them out on people that we care about. Or we end up neglecting situations that we shouldn’t be neglecting, simply because it’s too heavy for us to bare.
Don’t do that…
Because there is a God that is greater than anything this world can throw at you.
Don’t forget that….
Because when you do, the weight will sit so heavy on your chest that you can’t breathe or function or even put together a proper (kind) thought without bitterness flowing from your mouth.
Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter.
I got all of my words out. Everything I wanted to say in that blog yesterday morning. I wrote it all out. I read it over and over and over. I stepped away for an hour. Read it again, and then clicked that big “delete” button.
I sat starring at the screen for few minute. Part of me felt frustration, I can’t believe I just deleted this long blog of my thoughts, I deserve a “say so” and I deserve to defend myself. But the other, more quiet part of me just said a simple, it’s ok…
But the best part comes after those verses….I’ll let you look them up yourself.
We are the salt of the earth and light of the world. We cannot serve our emotions and our Savior at the same time. I took the high road, the road of “letting it go” and handing it over. And that says a whole lot about my heart, too…..
Be the salt and the light. Because if you run with the crowd….if you do the most popular….people get hurt. And if you lose your “saltiness”….what good are you to the kingdom of God?