If you could have seen me that morning, you would have seen that I pulled my hair back that day.
You’d notice that I had a double cup of coffee rather than the usual one, and I’ve been staring at a blank computer screen for well over an hour.
You’d notice that my eyes are bloodshot and watery.
And I have these little black hairs on my chin because I haven’t “shaved” today.
No one ever told me I’d have a 5 o’clock shadow, none-the-less, a woman, by the age of 26.
You’d hear Busytown cats singing in the background on the tv, and a puppy snoring next to my feet.
And now I hear the crunching of a Capt’n Crunch cereal bag — yes, it must be the Capt’n, because in about 10 seconds I’m going to hear “mama!! there’s no more cereal!”
…these are actually the quiet moments I long for each day.
The solitude of life just “happening” around me, but I’m not moving at all.
I don’t reach the end of my rope often, but when I do, I know that I have to bounce back quickly. This day was one of those days.
Because after the “there’s no more cereal” scream, there was “let’s play guess what I want next and after you make it I’m not going to eat it and you’re going to make something else or else I’ll freak out”.
And then there was the “Samson (puppy) is peeing on the floor and you better clean it up quickly because it’s starting to head for the laundry basket“.
Oh and my favorite — he’s finally down for a nap. A client calls, with a serious conversation, and as I turn to grab my paperwork …
…there he is, right in my face, “mommyyyy, I don’t feel well”. And if you’re a mom, you know at this point, that if you don’t snuggle him right that instant, you are immediately followed with high pitched whining that should never come out of the chest cavity of a little boy.
My client found out just how ear piercing little boys can be.
…I lost that account, I’m sure of it.
You see, it had been boiling up to this point. That point where I just couldn’t “deal” anymore. The point where I am literally about to flip my lid because this lifestyle isn’t nearly as easy as I had hoped it would be.
That thing called motherhood…homemaking…being a wife…being a work at home mom….
I could feel it creeping in. The doubt, the frustration, the anger. I could feel it in the back of my mind “you aren’t cut out for this….you need to get a desk job again”.
I hear you. I hear you back there, little voice.
But it’s those days when that little voice becomes a big voice. When your chest gets tight and you snap at your child and all you want to do is go away and get something accomplished.
I hear you.
But I’m not listening anymore.
You see, it took me awhile to realize that that little voice…it’s not that “still small voice” that I should have been listening to the entire time. I know this, because the “still small voice” isn’t nearly as loud and boisterous as the other.
No, I don’t literally have voices in my head. I don’t think….
There are days when motherhood is overwhelming…sometimes it’s even weeks or months. There are days when, as a mother, we feel like nothing we do matters. Like nothing we accomplish or don’t accomplish really matters, because, who’s looking anyhow.
There are days when we miss ourselves. That young bright woman we used to be. And now we’re just ragged and praying for our sanity.
There are days when we just give up….
But while that little boisterous voice, and the world, tells us that we aren’t cut out for this job; there’s another voice that begs to differ.
“…count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” [James 1:2-4]
“So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” [James 1:19]
and even more,
“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men,” [Colossians 3:23]
and the best part….
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” [2 Corinthians 12:9-10]
The sad truth is that, actually, we aren’t cut out for this job.
It is overwhelming.
It is trying.
It is hard.
It is difficult.
It is consuming.
It is tiring.
But it is…
And during those days when I just feel that emptiness, that doubt, that frustration…I must cry out…
“Hear my cry, O God;Attend to my prayer.2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,When my heart is overwhelmed;Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” [Psalms 61:1-2]
Learn today, that even if your day…week..month…year…has gone astray…when it’s busted…when it’s not going to get any better…
Remember that when you call on Jesus, He’s there.
Remember that when the world and Satan makes us remember that we aren’t cut out for this job, that we are useless….remind him that he’s right, but with Jesus, you are everything and so much more.
You are strong.
You are courageous.
You are gracious towards your children.
You are merciful…
and so much more, when you allow the King of Kings to be your strength.
Stop doing it all on your own, mama. He is merely an arms length away, begging for you to let Him help you with this weight.
Reach out to Him, pull Him close, and when you feel like you’re letting go, grab Him again before that overwhelming feeling takes you over again and again and again.
Hear Him saying…
“My grace is sufficient for you,”